All I asked in this life is peace. But maybe we are all lost and deceived by the promises of this world. A promise that we can be truly, totally happy.
Maybe love and commitment is nothing but bullsh*t. Causing trouble and hurt to everyone. Or maybe, just maybe, the pain and suffering are necessary to bring out a stronger version of ourselves.
Losing trust in myself is the worst nightmare. Now, I am afraid that I won’t be able to wake up from this. What else is left of me is a little ray of hope that sooner we will forgive. Is it even possible to go back to square one? Is it possible to erase every pain? Where shall I begin then?
What is my focus in life?
For the nth time, I did as he wished. I moved on yet held back because I am afraid. I cannot anymore trust myself in walking away for the reason that he asked me to. The reason should be because I WANT to walk away, not because HE WANTS me too.
I sometimes feel that he will be better if he just forgets about me entirely. That when I cross paths with him next time, he won’t recognize me, neither look in my eyes with a hint of recognizing me from his past. Maybe I can just pretend that I am reading a book in the corner of a coffee shop when he comes in.
I am a few days away from restarting in law school. Where do I even begin by collecting myself? Deep down, I know that when I finally set my heart on a goal, against all odds I will make it. Today, my entire being is focused on studying – in becoming a lawyer.
No, I do not want him to choose me this time just because he felt the need to return all the favor that I am giving him. No, I do not anymore want a mercy love. I take all the blame because I caused this to myself. But either way, I should just let him go where he wants to. Rather than imprison him in a relationship and cause ourselves further pain and dishonor.
I am already full of wisdom. There is no space for more sh*tty thoughts and false hopes. This essay even has no point.
Every experience should not be put to waste. We must learn from it. This pain is meant to make me stronger. If you feel rejected or heartbroken, then it is the perfect time for you to love more. We don’t retaliate from pain. We become resilient – bounce back from challenges and become better.
Maybe I really crossed the line, whatever line that he had been referring to. Maybe I do not really understand. But anyway, I am not wasting this pain and hurt. I am using this to do better next time. To love other people more. To love myself more.
To YOU, who considered me as your life’s greatest mistake, go love yourself.