Wanders over a cup of warm milk

My mind wanders to somewhere I do not even know. Are we moving forward?

Sometimes I feel like I do not have the right to feel my emotions. Sometimes I feel like I do not have a right to express my opinion. Sometimes I feel like I do not have a right to dream for myself and pursue it. I too also wish to speak my mind and walk in the streets carefree – unafraid.

Emotions. They carry us away if we let them. But it’s 2:5AM and I feel very tired but I cannot go back to sleep.

Went back to bed. Raised my hand and played with the ray of light coming from the tiny bulb outside this room. I grew skinny, lost a little muscle mass, I noticed. I ain’t getting enough sleep.

It’s midterms next week and there is not much time here. I am still a woman, and I also long for transparency.

He is sound asleep. Snoring sweetly that echoes through the silent night. He is amazing. He has a lot of dreams.

I finished the cup of warm milk with a hope that I could go back to sleep. That the wandering of thoughts will go back to its place. How lovely it could have been if we are not afraid of claiming what we deserve.

I do not anymore want to see what is hidden from me. No reason will ever be valid for this capricious want that I have – I just have a gut feeling. I just wanted to see the mask he is wearing behind my back. But I said, no reason will ever be valid, it’s just gut feeling. Because in any other way, whether I see what’s hidden or not, time is passing by without me knowing to whom shall I run or who will join me battle with misery at this hour.

Hands too full

A huge empty box in front of me. I looked around my car, my room, my bag, my phone. They are all full of stuff. Even forgot when and why I purchased some of them. Unfortunately, I have accumulated several material things that caused me anxieties lately.

I’m losing focus on my studies. Anxieties, grogginess, lack of sleep, lack of exercise, lack of healthy food, lack of water intake, backlogs in my projects, and mismanagement of time. Where did all my energy go? Haha.

Anyway, there is no use in regretting and lamenting over spilled milk. I acknowledge that I had been too easy-going and my hands became too full with things that don’t add value to my life. So, the best thing we can do – move on.

So, the best thing we can do now – move on.

Let me experiment on getting rid of my smartphone.

Let me fill this box with everything I acquired that is of no value to me. PLUS all the just-in-case stuff. Oh, and clear up my car’s trunk too.

Let me get a small notebook for my tasks and thoughts.

Let me par down my closet to its bare minimum, and my clothing style back to minimalist.

Let me list all my backlog projects and readings and cross them out in a week.

Lastly, let me run every morning and try to gain weight.

 

love,

Rose *wink*

 

 

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I just want to be better

I just want to be more kind

I just want to be more loving

I just want to be more honest

I just want to move forward

I just want to contribute more

I just want these

I just want to be better.