I am actually afraid up to this writing. I had been postponing on writing an article for three days now and it’s killing me. The thought of going back to writing just scares the hell out of me. Maybe, just maybe, I am not as good as I was before. Maybe I am not really THAT GOOD as what people say. But maybe, maybe I am just afraid.
Fear and confidence are two great dogs inside me, the one I feed most is the one I master. Perhaps, I am feeding fear too much that it consumed me alive today. I am afraid. Honestly. Drawing strength from the people you love might help. But I ain’t getting any help up to this writing. I hear murmurs of blame and shame at the back of my mind. Echoing through the eerie truth that I ain’t moving forward, that I will never be good enough.
But maybe, just maybe, all I need is to step back and take another direction – reroute to a new path. How many reboots does one person need in order to learn to move forward?
I WANT to change. Making changes in one’s life is daunting, but once you learn the art of not giving a shit to everyone else’s opinion and blame and shame given on you, it’s freedom.
This might be the last time that I am giving a shit to anyone’s blaming game and shaming. I’m sorry but I am not letting anyone control me. Even the abusive people in our town. I need to take my own course at my own pace too. I will never be selfish of giving help to anyone who needs my help, as long as they ask for it respectfully and kindly. But I am not lamenting over their lives if they still want to stay miserable after receiving a generous amount of help.
We are all responsible for our own lives. We are all responsible in accepting our mistakes and our decisions. We do not need the heavens to break, waiting for that one huge miracle in order to start on a clean slate. If you keep on blaming others for the turnout of your lies and decisions, well I guess it’s time to own up to your mistakes today and make good your tomorrows. If you lose a beloved’s trust because of your lies, I guess you cannot blame it on another person and let them experience hell as a revenge of your blaming mindset.
In life, you lose people you love. That’s just the reality. Oh sure, you can destroy yourself if you want. You can drown yourself into endless overthinking, or even include the present people around you in your misery – make their lives miserable too, or you can just skip sleeping and indulge in alcohol. You actually have unlimited choices on how to destroy your life and let the people in your past know that you are overly regretful about what you did wrong to them. That is one nice gesture, let them know that you regret everything that is happening to you right now, all the choices you made. But at the end of the day, who is on the losing side? It is you.
In life, you fail and lose opportunities. You cannot be victorious all the time. You gave up a high paying job and end up starting from scratch. You fail an exam and you end up planning for another career path. It’s just the reality. And if you are a cowardice in not owning up to your impulsive decisions, perhaps it’s time to get some balls and give yourself another chance. I mean, stop giving a shit on what other people will think about you. You weren’t born to please them. And if you are afraid of the opinion of the people in your past whom you have wronged? Sure, you can let them give you a slow death as you remain stagnant in your life because you are too busy proving to them that you regret leaving them behind, that you regret losing them. But our failures are not reasons for us to be ashamed of our wrong decisions.
In life, you lose money. YES! Money makes this world a comfortable place to live. But if you are TOO OBSESSED about money and SUCCESS, boy oh boy, you are committing suicide. While it is true that money is important, it cannot make you become less of a person from those who are well-off. On the other hand, while you are not earning any income because you do not have a job, doesn’t mean that you can just settle on being a bummer forever. F*cking stop blaming yourself for your misery and f*cking MOVE ON from your mistakes.
In life, there are endless choices, but you cannot abuse your freedom to choose at the expense of another person. It’s just like choosing a pair of shoes in the store. There are two almost similar pairs of shoes that you like, the blue pair and the red pair of shoes. You can only choose which one to buy and wear. You really liked the blue one, but you bought the red one, enjoyed wearing it for a while but you saw another guy wearing that same blue pair of shoes. You got so jealous, so you went back to the store and bought the blue one too. You arrived home, but cannot really choose, so you end up wearing the red left shoe and the blue right shoe at once. Isn’t that ridiculous? I chose to watch a movie instead of reading for my exam, then I have to face the consequence of not passing the subject because of my choices.
This life is simple, you choose one and accept it for its beauty and flaws, fight for it when you need to, and stand your decision. If you change your mind later and realized that you do not really want it, LET IT GO. Stop holding on to it while you try to pursue the other choice that you could have chosen. If you feel that you have made a wrong choice, you are not bound to stay and pretend that you are fighting for your former decision because you are strong and perfect (even if it’s obvious that you are not). You are free to let go and pursue what you want. Do not be afraid, to be honest to people that you do not want or need them in your life. You are free to burn bridges if you can. You are free to pursue what you want. It’s more hurtful on your part and on their part if you continue to give them false hope that you appreciate them but the truth is, you are not.
We all need to feel that we are loved and appreciated. No man can deny that. But you cannot keep disrespecting others by blaming them for not giving you enough love and help. Maybe the battle is within you. We do not want to be alone on this journey, but you cannot keep being selfish. You cannot just keep counting what your partner is not giving or doing for you because you are more important than anyone else. We keep thinking, “You are not putting enough effort in this endeavor”, while we just sit there and wait for the day to end. We cannot just keep receiving without giving. It’s plain selfishness. You may not be capable of giving due to scarce resources, but that doesn’t mean you are exempted from reciprocating respect and love to another person. Some people are not really that hard to love if you choose to love them.
Oh, I won’t miss the part of growing in faith and gratitude in this life. No man is greater than his Creator. This society is fooling us that we can never have enough in our lives. All the advertisements and social media are telling us that our neighbor’s front yard is better than us, that our car is not as expensive as theirs, that our home is not as huge as their house, or even to the simplest – his looks is more appealing than mine. We keep comparing our lives to theirs, which results to DISCONTENTMENT. Thus, ungratefulness. We keep blaming God this time, “why wasn’t I born with a well-off family?”, or “why is he better in doing this than I am?”
It is totally okay to ask people to leave you alone. But you cannot make them continue living in the hope that you will sooner or later reciprocate their attention and love. If you cannot learn to love them back, be frank. If you are not certain if you can teach yourself to love them back, at least you don’t hurt them. For whatever wrong that they have done to you, forgive and forget. We all struggle in this, but you cannot let them live in suffering and pain just because they have wronged you. Stop the revenge.
Life is simple. Choose and stand your decision. If you are not brave enough to choose, be honest and step back to see a bigger picture (this might help you re-evaluate choices). If you are bound to make a choice, do not delay.
Do not be too hard on yourself and NEVER SELF-PITY. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.